More specifically, what am I scared of? So, the whole story is that we are moving to Portland. But in order to move to Portland, one of us has to find work up there first. Jeremy is on track with TSA, but they move at their own slow, governmental, beaureacratic speed, so we can't really count on them coming through. Which means I am actively looking for a new job in the Portland area.
Or at least, I'm going to. I've dragged my feet putting my resume together, dragging my feet getting a cover letter written, dragging my feet looking for companies to apply for. Every step of the way, I do research, and read and think and plan, and then I feel accomplished enough that I call it finished, at least for a while. In fact, the only reason I even have a resume right now is two things:
One, I gave myself a deadline of Jan 15, which I am overdue on, but not by much. I did do a last minute push to reach that date. Two, I signed up for an online 'class' on hustling, mostly because the first topic interested me: 'Our invisible scripts and how to get over them'. This email list is constantly talking about how people don't take action on what they talk about, or how they let failure stop them before they even really start. It shames me into working for half an hour or so every time I read it.
So, even though I do have a resume and letter close to ready, it happened way later than it should have, and I'm still pretty uncomfortable sending them out at all. But why? What is the 'invisible script?' The underlying belief that stops me in my tracks?
I think its something along the lines of "There are no jobs for me up there, and no one can help me, and I'm just going to be stuck in LA forever, so I should just get used to it." Not helpful. Self-fulfilling, but not helpful. Its like I don't think I deserve a decent job or to live in the city I want to live in. I've also got another one that goes "Portland is going to suck and you are going to be so upset that you moved there, just stay in LA where at least you know you can get along ok." But I know I can get along anywhere, if I keep an open mind and let myself enjoy it, so that really is just a bunch of hooey. But its powerful hooey.
I have to keep myself aware of these "scripts" and take actions in spite of them. To test them. To prove to myself that they are bunk. The actions I'm taking right now, are to just keep moving forward. Sending my resume and cover letter to others to edit and help with, so its not just me that as a stake in it. I have to tell others about my progress. I'm making a list of companies to apply to, and I think I'll make sure Jeremy knows what I'm doing, so he can keep asking me about it too.
Most of all, I'm not letting myself stop. And not letting myself feel like simple research/reading/surfing the internet is 'progress.' I have to have something concrete. At the very least, I will write down what I'm learning and my thoughts, if researching is all I'm doing for a night, so there is something real I created that day. The only way to get there is to keep moving forward.
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Good internal work! That sounds like a great "class." I've had a couple of invisible scripts working against me lately too. But at least they've surfaced strongly enough for me to figure out what they are and start to rewrite them. I watched an inspiring movie tonight called 127 hours. It's a true story about the guy that was out hiking by himself and got pinned under a bolder and had to cut his own arm off. The movie was about the mental and emotional journey he went through while being pinned underneath the rock for five days inches away from death. Without giving too much away, he cycled through past experiences and regrets, but it was visions of the future and the promise it held I believe that finally gave him the courage to make the painful break and move forward into the beautiful future that awaited him. This could be a great movie for you to watch to aid you on your journey if you haven't seen it already yet.
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